The Joy of Starting Over

A trauma victim, survivor, and life coach reveals the hidden opportunities that may be discovered in starting over.

Tragedy shattered my world. First, the murder of my wife — bludgeoned to death by her tormented older son. That, by itself, would have upended my entire world. But that was just the beginning. Over nearly a decade, I experienced multiple traumatic events — family betrayal, the suicide of my wife's younger son, unconscionable estate battles, and much more. For a long time, I could not even imagine being able to survive. So the concept of starting over was totally beyond my grasp.

But then time passed. I began to heal, slowly. I decided to move forward, empowered by spiritual awakenings and revelations. And then there was a moment when I realized that starting over was indeed possible. After all that I had been through, the idea that I could actually begin again, in a way that was my choosing, had tremendous appeal to me.

Resistance to change. In order to start over, we need to change. And that's problematic for us, because we are actually wired to prefer inertia — a tendency to remain unchanged. The very same internal mechanism that is our protector, the gatekeeper to our survival, can get in the way of us making positive changes in our lives.

The value of suffering. As Viktor Frankl said, "everybody in the midst of suffering is given a chance to bear testimony of the human potential at its best, which is to turn a personal tragedy into a human triumph." Surviving what I believed would be impossible to survive, and in time finding my way inward to a more meaningful life, was the most shocking and amazing surprise to me. Rumi expressed it well: "the wound is where the light enters you."

Negative love syndrome. When we are born, seeking to be unconditionally loved, we begin to twist and turn ourselves — adapting the negative patterns of our parents. Most of us lose our true selves in the process of pursuing parental love, and many repeat those patterns for an entire lifetime, never gaining the insight required to discover our authentic selves. Tragedy breaks us open. And in the shattering of our world lies the opportunity to start over — to realign our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with what feels right to our real selves, now, in the present.

Power to change our life. It was during the process of healing from traumatic events that I discovered I actually have the power to change my life. Powerful techniques that help us to change include: reframing (changing the way we look at a situation to change its meaning); reauthoring (changing the narrative we tell about our life); neuro-linguistic programming; and positive self-talk (challenging the negative statements made by our inner critic). Starting over gives you a fresh start with your new perspective — an opportunity to create a new history, free of negative lifestyle patterns.

Expect discomfort. Doubt, uncertainty, even fear are a part of the starting-over process. But by facing your vulnerabilities, you will find that your courage will propel you forward. And then, expect to feel more fully alive than before. As Gandhi reminds us: "Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words … your words become your behavior … your behaviors become your habits … your habits become your values … your values become your destiny."

Be still. Meditate. Practice gratitude, mindfulness, and self-compassion. Practice yoga. Sing. Dance. Create. Immerse yourself in nature. As a life coach specializing in trauma recovery and personal transformation, my goal is to help my clients: Live Better. Love Better. Be Better. With the foundational building blocks of personal development — knowing your authentic self, self-love, self-forgiveness, self-compassion, and self-awareness — starting over may be the opportunity and thrill of a lifetime!