Life After Trauma

Burton M. Fischler, MA, Certified Life Coach reveals lessons learned from his personal post-traumatic struggle: from victim to victor; from survivor to thriver.

After taking a stroll in Central Park on a perfect summer's day, I was returning home to my pre-war classic co-op on Manhattan's Upper East Side. Then, quite unexpectedly, a detective approached me and informed me that my wife had been bludgeoned to death with a large chef's knife. For almost a decade, I struggled to survive that big trauma and the multiple traumatic events that followed. We had recently sold the family's 12-acre farm in Bridgehampton and, we thought, life was good. In the blink of an eye, my world shattered, as I stumbled on my journey from successful wealth manager to NYC Uber driver, and eventually, to author and life coach.

Trauma can happen to all of us and most probably will. There are many types of traumas. My traumas were caused by mental illness and drug addiction; family dysfunction and betrayal; suicide; greed; bad advice; and injustice. I'm not whining; I'm just telling it as I experienced it. In any given year, about 20 percent of us will experience a potentially traumatic event. And, then, when trauma happens to us, we feel shock, denial, and/or disbelief.

The effects of trauma are multi-dimensional. Our bodies tremble and shake. Our minds are confused. We have nightmares. We are angry and irritable; anxious and fearful. We feel guilt, shame, and self-blame. We withdraw from others; we feel disconnected. However, trauma victims are not "sick" in the traditional sense of the word. They are experiencing normal reactions to horrid events.

For a long time, I didn't know whether I wanted to survive. Then, I didn't know whether I could survive. And, then, I had an epiphany. To survive, I would need to fix myself. That doesn't mean trauma survivors have to do it alone — they can seek the support of expert companions, fellow survivors, family or friends, and trauma-informed caregivers. But, trauma survivors must take charge of their own recovery. It was with this realization — that the burden of my recovery and healing fell squarely on my shoulders — that I began to move forward from victim to victor.

In the aftermath of my major tragic event followed by recurring traumatization, I relied on my self for self-direction, self-management, and self-care. I was most fortunate to receive the full support of my beloved family and closest friends, professional guidance from therapists specializing in trauma recovery and core energetics, and the expert companionship of a fellow survivor of traumatic losses — an old high school friend turned life partner, with whom I reconnected after 45 years — who provided me loving kindness and a safe space in which to heal.

Based upon my cumulative life and professional experiences, and studying over 100 books and articles on trauma recovery and personal transformation, here are my recommendations: physical wellness first; journaling and self-empowerment; self-love, self-compassion, and self-forgiveness; gratitude; forgiveness, kindness, and giving to others; discovery of the authentic self; reframing and reauthoring; mindfulness and shinrin-yoku; meditation, yoga, sound healing, music and dance; human and spiritual connection; and legacy writing.

Here's the good news! The new science of post-traumatic growth points to the probability that more than half of trauma survivors experience future growth and personal transformation after trauma. Trauma survivors report that, in the midst of great psychological pain and suffering, there are great gifts to be discovered — a deeper appreciation of life; a sense of knowing ourselves better; and an appreciation of human connection. They are not grateful for their trauma; instead, they are grateful that their wounds opened a door to change.

As I continued to heal and grow, I learned to trust life again. I discovered that, beyond happiness, there is ikigai — a reason for being, meaning, life purpose. As I healed, it slowly became obvious that I was destined to write a book to share my journey, and to become a life coach so that I may help other trauma survivors move on. Once I recognized that I had a great fall; once I accepted my misfortune; once I trusted that I have the tools to fix myself; and once I took responsibility for how I wanted to live — then, and only then — was I able to move forward from victim to victor, from survivor to thriver!