Lessons On Trauma Care From Humpty Dumpty

A trauma victim, survivor, and life coach reveals the hidden opportunities that may be discovered in starting over.

Tragedy shattered my world. First, a single horrid tragedy — the murder of my wife by her tormented older son. That, by itself, would have been enough to totally upend my entire world. But, that was just the beginning. Over nearly a decade, I experienced multiple traumatic events — family betrayal and the suicide of my wife's younger son; pilferage of my wife's heirlooms and personal property; estate-related legal battles; lost money paid to lawyers who failed me miserably; lost inheritance; and lost career. Cumulatively, I could say that I lost my footing, but that would not begin to capture the darkness that I experienced. For a long time, I could not imagine being able to move forward. The concept of starting over was beyond my grasp. Frankly, for quite some time, I didn't believe that I could survive, that I would manage to survive.

After taking a stroll in Central Park on a perfect summer's day, I was returning home to my apartment on Manhattan's Upper East Side, when — quite unexpectedly — a detective approached me and informed me that my wife had been bludgeoned to death with a large chef's knife. Years later, after surviving that big trauma and the multiple traumatic events that followed, while on my journey from successful wealth manager to NYC Uber driver, to life coach, I reflected on the Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme and thought — "yes, I, too, had a great fall."

The verse that I am most familiar with is the modern-day version that I learned as a child: "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horses and all the king's men, couldn't put Humpty together again." Turns out, it was my interpretation of this silly rhyme's verse that helped me survive extraordinary tragedy. It empowered me by awakening my sense of agency, helped me begin to heal, and ultimately led me on a journey from trauma recovery, to personal transformation, and onward to post-traumatic growth and thriving!

Trauma in Society. Trauma is an unexpected undoing of one's world and one's self — in the blink of an eye. A fragmenting. A loss of one's footing. A loss of all sense of order and stability. A cruel shattering of one's assumptive world. And, in that moment, everything changes, forever. Trauma can happen to all of us and most probably will. Sadly, most trauma is caused by humans acting inhumanely towards other humans as a consequence of war, mental illness, depression, family dysfunction, out-of-control hatred, aggression, jealousy, anger, rage, disregard, or disrespect, or as a result of human suffering, loneliness, or greed.

In THEM, Ben Sasse argues that the current crisis in our nation is not about politics; rather, it is about loneliness — malignant loneliness that explains our ever-increasing opioid epidemic, school shootings, hate-motivated mass shootings, and domestic violence. In ENLIGHTENMENT NOW, Harvard professor Steven Pinker offers a bright light: comparing 50-year periods rather than twitter milliseconds, he shows that the human condition is actually improving. So, all is not lost; but, we all have work to do.

We don't want to face the reality of trauma's prevalence, but most of us, at one time or another, will experience some form of trauma in our lives. In any given year, about 20 percent of us will experience a potentially traumatic event. As Stephen Joseph, Ph.D. explains, "deep down we all tend to believe that nothing bad will ever happen to us, so when we are faced with the worst, our assumptions about what the world is like and our place in it come under fire."

Back to the rhyme. Why couldn't all the king's horses and all the king's men put Humpty together again? Because only trauma victims can fix themselves. That doesn't mean that they have to do it alone. They can seek the support of expert companions, fellow trauma survivors, and family or friends, as well as the guidance of trauma-informed caregivers. But, trauma survivors must take charge of their own recovery. For me personally, it was the meaning I gave to the Humpty Dumpty verse that squarely placed the burden of responsibility for healing on me. And, somehow, that's what gave me the courage to take the necessary steps to overcome my tragedy and move on.

Trauma Recovery. The effects of trauma are multi-dimensional — neurological, biological, psychological, and social. Trauma is a soul wound, too. Dr. Joseph explains that "trauma is not an illness to be cured by a doctor." Trauma victims are not experiencing abnormal reactions to normal events; rather, they are experiencing normal reactions to horrid events. While mental health professionals can offer guidance and support, "ultimately, people must be able to take responsibility for their own recovery and for the meaning that they give to their experiences." While a fitness coach can support and motivate you, only you can do those 25 push-ups. The same is true when it comes to healing trauma.

Personal Transformation. Based upon my personal and professional experience, I recommend that trauma survivors consider exploring these healing paths and practices: physical wellness first (treatments to release trauma from the body, physical activity, optimal nutrition, stress control, and sleep); journaling and self-empowerment; self-love, self-compassion, and self-forgiveness; gratitude; forgiveness, kindness, and giving to others; discovery of the authentic self; reframing and reauthoring; mindfulness and shinrin-yoku (nature immersion); meditation, yoga, sound healing, music and dance; human and spiritual connection; and legacy writing. Rumi expressed it well: "the wound is where the light enters you."

Post-Traumatic Growth. Despite how foreign the idea is to trauma survivors, the new science of post-traumatic growth (PTG) suggests that more than half of trauma survivors eventually realize "benefits" after their trauma. Importantly, these survivors are not grateful for their trauma; instead, they are grateful that their wounds, somehow, opened a door to change — a door that permitted them to grow. As Rabbi Steve Leder writes, "we can heal enough, we can somehow find our true selves again — or for the first time — and what we find really is often gentler and wiser and more beautiful than before."

Thriving. As I continued to heal and grow, I came to rely, more and more, on my self. I learned to trust that everything I needed was already inside me. I devoured the message of Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl: "everybody in the midst of suffering is given a chance to bear testimony of the human potential at its best, which is to turn a personal tragedy into a human triumph." It slowly became obvious that I was destined to write a book to share my journey, and then to become a life coach so that I may help other trauma survivors move on with their own lives.

Recap. A review of the lessons I learned from Humpty Dumpty: once I recognized and compassionately accepted that I did have a great fall; once I accepted the outcomes of my misfortune; once I trusted that I have all the tools necessary to fix myself and move on; and, once I was prepared to take responsibility for how I wanted to live my life in the aftermath of my trauma — then, and only then — was I able to move forward from victim to victor, from survivor to thriver! It was that simple; and, it was that complex.